The Heart of Grieving

Grief and love go together, and this is why grieving is extremely intimate, private and impossible to share, maybe only with those who love in the same way as us. We all love differently and so everyone grieves differently. The loss is experienced differently, and the grieving is expressed differently.

When we love someone, our feelings are molded with our biology. Our connection to someone is imprinted in our brain. We are left with an enormous neural gap that somehow we are meant to fill, while we are grieving our loss.  And yet time seems to resolve this. The body seems to know how to find balance again.

When I lost my dear friend and mentor it left an empty space in my heart. I didn't know how to relieve that pain. What really helped me was staying grounded as the grief moved through me. I would go for long walks. When the tears would come, I tried to remain present to myself, be in my body, instead of my head. I found that this helped me feel a little more in control. Having some understanding of somatics helped a lot.

When we experience loss, it becomes part of our body. Just like with trauma, we can include our body to work with our emotions, easing the way we process them. Using our head tends to overcomplicate things. Being with our body just simplifies what we need and what can be done in the moment.

Our bodies know how to grieve if we are attuned to its needs. Neuroscience shows that having a general flexible mindset and resilience greatly supports grieving. This is evidenced by people being able to move through their grieving if they have for instance good vagal tone. This is the ability to modulate the nervous system during times of emotional distress or numbness. Being with others who we feel supported and grounded by also helps rebalance our vagal tone. Our body will tell us when we feel supported, grounded and centered, we sense it and we immediately feel unburdened. If there is trauma, from the past or as part of the loss this can also disrupt our vagal tone, so that may require some learning about our nervous system and how to keep it balanced. Though any trauma needs supportive healing and somatic approaches can greatly support that too. The body has such a capacity to heal and is such a resource of resilience and knowledge.

Giselle Lamberth

Embodiment Institute Somatic Healing Programs

Somatic Psychotherapist, Clinical Social Worker